Am I your pride and joy?
Why have I been waiting for an answer I will never get?
Good morning, my beautiful No BS Family, ☀️💚
I have shared my new love of Brandi Carlile and her music after listening to her book Broken Horses. That book touched me and made me realize again, I am so normal.
I have never listened to a musical artist whose lyrics have touched me so much.
Sometimes I feel like writing to her, Tim and Phil, and saying are you in my head to get these lyrics. I know that is impossible, but the thought is still there. How do they get what I am trying to say, to grow through, to learn from?
Though I know our lives are vastly different, I also see so many similarities in our journey and what we have grown through.
My favorite all time concert video is Brandi Carlile at Boston Calling from August 3, 2017. If you go to YouTube you can search Boston Front Row and find the performance of Pride and Joy. The video is just over 8 minutes and last night I watched that video multiple times.
I sat on the couch watching it and was so overwhelmed by the performance and the lyrics. The more I watched, the more willing I was to hear the lyrics and hear the questions being asked.
I looked at Kevin and said I wonder if my parents would have been proud of me now. My father died when I was 25 and my mother died when I was 36.
I would like to think the answer would be yes.
I am not sure my mother would be proud of me without having some sort of resentment for my success.
Kind of like a hug with a pinch.
That is what is coming up for me.
Sealed with a love and a pinch.
That was my mom.
Do you make me grieve for you?
That question sucks for me.
My mother and I were on a phone call once, just after she had been released from the hospital for congestive heart failure. During that call she started sharing that she thought she was having a heart attack, she dropped the phone and she went silent. I freaked out, called my sister who then called my mother. My mom was fine. My mom later told me she wanted to see how I would react if she was dead. She wondered if I would care. Yep, sealed with love and a pinch. WTF!
As I watched the video last night, with my constant commentary to Kevin of how amazingly talented Brandi and the twins are, and how the lyrics they wrote speak to me, the questions and answers became clear to me.
Am I your pride and joy?
The answer I need isn’t from my mom and dad.
I looked right at Kevin and said YES, I am MY own pride and joy and he looked at me and said you are my pride and joy!
Sometimes we wish we had the validation from those who are no longer alive.
We will never get that validation, so why do we want it so badly. So much energy spent on wanting validation we will never have.
Sometimes we spend so much time looking for outside validation that we forget the validation that we truly are searching for is right here in front of us. It is our own self validation that is so important.
I can wonder my life away hoping that they would be proud of me.
All of me.
The good, the bad and everything in between.
I will never know the answer and that is ok. I choose to think they would be. I also know if they weren’t, it isn’t on me.
Do you get me now?
I get me now and that is what matters most.
I get me.
I am learning to embrace who I am.
All the good, the bad and everything in between.
Today, when we look in the mirror, let’s remember that we can answer that question for ourselves. It is our answer to that question that matters most.
Are you your own pride and joy?
If you can’t say yes right now, know that it is ok.
Learning to embrace our own good, our own bad and everything in between is part of the journey we are on.
Find something that brings you pride and joy in yourself today, no matter how small it is right now. Find it, embrace it and let it carry you forward today.
I want to recommend a couple other songs from Brandi that have touched me so much with their lyrics and beautiful music.
So many journaling opportunities with the lyrics in these songs. Especially Dirt Around The Tree. Those lyrics are just WOW!!!
The Eye
Have You Ever
Dirt Around The Tree - Candi Carpenter and Brandi Carlile
Brandi recently did a live for her fans on YouTube. It was so frigging cool. She was live and answering questions as they were coming in. She shared what is happening in her world and the world in general. She talked about her phone call with Elton John earlier in the day and the fact that she had worn the shirt she had on for 3 days. Just so normal for her.
Yep, I took pictures of her on the TV screen. Kevin just laughed at me! Here’s one of the pictures I took when I was fangirling! 🤣
Have a beautiful day. 💚
PRIDE AND JOY lyrics
Time of day I can't recall
The kind of thing that takes a toll
Over years of over time
Over smiles and over wine
All in all, it wasn't bad
All in all, it wasn't good
But I still care
That's the problem with the days
They're never long enough to say
What it is you never said
All the books you never read
I throw myself into the wind
Hoping somebody might pick me up
And carry me again
Where are you now?
Do you let me down?
Do you make me grieve for you?
Do I make you proud?
Do you get me now?
Am I your pride and joy?
I believe this to be true
There's nothing sacred, nothing new
No one tells you when it's time
There are no warnings, only signs
Then you know that you're alone
You're not a child any more
But you're still scared
All your mountains turn to rocks
All your oceans turn to drops
They are nothing like you thought
You can't be something you are not
Life is not a looking glass
Don't get tangled in your past
Like I am learning not to
Where are you now?
Do you let me down?
Do you make me grieve for you?
Do I make you proud?
Do you get me now?
Am I your pride and joy?
